Chasing Sharks: Faster Than the Speed of Awesome

I write important things about stuff
(Not really, this blog is mostly dick jokes)

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Whenever I go out to lunch/dinner/snacks/drinks/aquariums/square dances with a person that I’ve just met I’m always 99% certain there is a booger or foreign object hanging from my nose.  I start to do that thing where I rub my nose nonchalantly in an effort to have whatever is hanging from it fling discreetly onto my lap where it will perish along with my self respect.  The person I’m with sees me rubbing my nose and than they start rubbing their nose too. I’m sure it’s just their subconscious reaction to seeing me rub my nose but I’m still like, “Is this their super secret way of telling me I have a huge honking booger hanging from my face?!”  Can we please move this relationship forward from strangers to best friends so we can talk, at length, about body waste hanging from our extremities?  Take a gander up my nostrils and tell me if it looks like the perfect storm is approaching and if there’s a situation I need to prepare for.  Anyways, pretty soon we’re both rubbing our noses like Whitney Houston at 3 in the morning and another piece of me has died inside.

Filed under white people problems ugh I want to use the word gander in all the sentences

  1. dorothypzbornak said: this is why I’m ALWAYS digging for a mirror in my purse.
  2. stephjar posted this