I have this giant bruise on my thigh and I have no idea where it came from.  You know how certain inanimate objects can look angry?  Like that fire is angry! Or the sea was angry that day my friends! Or that killer robot looks angry! Well this bruise looks angry. I guess you can’t say my bruise is necessarily an inanimate object since I have blood pumping through my body and I can’t be classified as a zombie, but this bruise is mindless and faceless and yet still manages to express emotion, much like my vagina. 

I thought to myself, “Did I get this bruise while rock climbing or water skiing this weekend?” Of course not since I’ve never done either of these things and I probably never will since I’m afraid of being hurt and getting bruises.  Seriously, I bruise as easily as a Georgia peach in a monsoon.  I’m like Samuel L. Jackson’s character in that awesome movie Unbreakable directed by that terrible M. Night Shyamalan.I’m pretty sure his name was Mr. Glass, but since I’m not entirely sure I’ll refer to him as fragile, angry, black man.  I’m like a fragile, angry, black man in a monsoon, the monsoon of life!  Symbolism!  Deep meaning! Somebody get me a self help book deal!  I’ll title it: Charting Life’s Angry Waters with Only an Air Mattress and a Paddle Made of Concrete.  Who wouldn’t buy that fucking book?! Answer: everybody including my mom and grandmother.

So I’m left to the assumption I either got this bruise while binge eating or sitting on the couch watching terrible television shows.  Both of which are entirely possible.  Maybe I dropped the remote or a heavy potato chip on my thigh during an exciting episode of Matlock.  In all honesty, I’ve never watched a single episode of Matlock before.  For some reason I picture Andy Griffith yelling at squirrels and playing the banjo.  I’m going to look it up right now.  Ok, apparently Matlock is a feisty, elderly attorney who only owns one gray suit and likes pointing at things.  He’s also a convicted rapist! No he isn’t! I just want to start shit with Andy Griffith! Matlock!

But back to my angry bruise.  I efficiently researched my problem by typing “mysterious bruise” in the Web MD search engine and it came back saying I either have anemia or leukemia.  Case closed!  Matlock!