This weekend after I was driving home from a night of
mingling and overeating helping African refugees fill out their visa forms, I hit an innocent deer who presumably was on her way to read to some blind orphans. I tried to swerve, but this thing must have been part ninja, part statue because it came out of nowhere and promtly turned into a wax figure. Have you ever hit a deer before? It’s a completely shocking and helpless situation.
Luckily I only hit one part of it’s body, unfortunately that part was it’s brain. I was going 70 miles an hour on the express way and my front headlight directly hit it’s head so I’m pretty sure she died instantly. It’s the first time I’ve ever been responsible for killing one of God’s creatures, unless you count hookers
which I don’t so I was pretty shaken up about it.
But than I got angry. I mean why was this deer out in the middle of the highway at 2 a.m. in the morning? It was almost like it was mocking human machinery and laughing in death’s face. I know that’s like saying people who are out late at night deserve to be attacked, but in my defense the deer was on it’s cellphone and totally unaware of its surroundings. It must have parked too far from the mall and wasn’t paying attention to how suspicious I look. I mean I was in the process of cleaning my switch blade when I hit it.
The next day I told my dad about the extreme accident I was in (I mean I had to replace a headlight!) and he looked at me with puppy dog eyes and asked, “Did you kill the deer?” He wasn’t concerned about my welfare, which is completely understandable because I wasn’t either, but he got me thinking. Maybe I didn’t kill the deer. I’m sure after I hit it it just laid down immediately for a nap due to sheer exhaustion. Being a deer is hard work! Lots of cardiovascular activity going on there! It probably hadn’t consumed enough protein that day or something! Also, deer skulls are made of steel and titanium right? Right. I believe they build aircraft carriers out of them. At least that’s what I read in my Deer & Deer Hunting magazine.
So about a day and a half later I decided to drive by the scene of the crime and of course, the deer’s body is still there. I immediately had to suppress the urge to vomit into a cup and drink it. Luckily I didn’t have a cup. I mean what if that deer has children and they all decide to avenge her death Kill Bill style? I don’t have the athletic prowess to fight them and I never learned how to use a samurai sword.
In all seriousness, it’s weighing on my conscience. Just thinking about it now makes me sick. So, the deer’s funeral will be held in a foresty park somewhere that’s filled with green grass, tree bark and whatever it is that deers actually eat because I have no idea. I will serve twisted tea and venison and we’ll reminisce about all the fun times we had together, which shouldn’t take long since we didn’t have any.