I don’t want this blog to be the place I come to when I need to bitch about life and things that annoy me.  Because in reality, that’s the main reason I keep my various multiple personalities around.  They understand me more than anybody else, and also smell fantastic.  In all honesty, it’s a major pet peeve of mine when people bitch about their lives too much.  It’s like, I get it!  Waking up every morning and having to deal with the deformed baby arm that protrudes from your stomach sucks.  But you need to think about the good things in life like girl scout cookies and Tom Hanks movies!  Ya know what, screw you Tom Hanks!  This is for Joe vs. the Volcano: 

1.  Girl Who Refuses to Hold Door Open for Me

I don’t understand you lady, and yes I’m using the term “lady” sarcastically because you were obviously born underneath railroad tracks and raised by stray cats since you don’t have any manners at all.  You refuse to hold the door open for me even though I’m walking about two steps behind you.  You seem to almost hurriedly try and and shut it behind you just so I can’t grab it before it closes.  In the words of Stephanie Tanner, you’re a bitch.  What if there were dragons chasing me and that door was my salvation?  My blood would be on your hands. 

Now I get it, you’re probably not a lesbian and you won’t want me to subconsciously think we’re in the 1800’s and you’re trying to court me and gain acceptance from my parents.  I completely understand this, and have slammed doors in many people’s faces because of this fact alone.  In all honesty, if you held the door open for me just once I’d probably immediately fall in love with you and ask you to go steady or visit the local malt shop with me.  No, I wouldn’t because you’re mean!  The only reason I’d ask you to the malt shop would be so I could call you a soda jerk! 1950’s humor! Rock and roll! Big Daddy! Michael J. Fox!

2. People Who Don’t Say “God Bless You!” After I sneeze

OK, maybe its the raging, repressed Catholic in me, but I can’t handle when people do this.  Maybe you’re an atheist or the anti-christ, but please say something when I sneeze.  When I was little, my mom told me my heart would explode unless somebody said “God bless you!” after I sneeze and I’ve NEVER forgotten.  I believed her and I still do.  If I sneeze and you don’t say anything, it makes me feel awkward and reek of death and spoiled cheese (I sweat Kraft singles when nervous).  In fact, say anything after I sneeze!  Like, “That’s gross!” or “Would you like to volunteer at an AIDS clinic with me?” or “You remind me of a young John Goodman.”  Anything would be better than the awkward silence that follows while my sexy germs permeate your nostrils.