My first “grown up” party was in my second year of college.  This wouldn’t be the typical college party with kegs, vomit and frat guys so I wasn’t sure what to expect.  Up until this point my main focus at all parties was mainly drinking and occasionally flirting with strangers by ruthlessly making fun of them. 

Since I’m an awkward shell of a person I wanted to make a real impression at this party.  “What’s your major?” I wanted to ask a mustachioed stranger with gusto. “Have you ever read Kafka’s The Metamorphosis?  I haven’t! Up until last year I thought Kafka was a furniture line at Ikea!” I would say and laugh with mock self deprecation while conversating with a thin lipped girl who wore a monocle.

To achieve this essence of “grown up-ness” I drank an entire bottle of rum beforehand.  Adults like rum and can easily hold their liquor!  Needless to say, I arrived at the party drunker than David Hasselhoff at the first taping of Baywatch.  Shockingly, and against all odds, I managed to keep myself together and behave like a somewhat normal 19 year old problem drinker. 

After having a surprisingly one sided 30 minute, in depth conversation about the dynamic relationship between Thomas and Veda in My Girl with a bored political science major, things quickly took a turn for the worse when I broke into a locked bathroom, yelled delightful obscenities at its occupants and fell ass backwards into the bathtub.  I broke off the shower curtain on my fall down, wrapped myself in its loving embrace and immediately blacked out.  

I had to be carried, passed out drunk from my first “grown up” party.  I really think most of the attendees thought ,my friends were going to depose of my body mafia style because I was dead, rotting, fermenting corpse.  Long story short, rum is awesome! No its not, it’s the Devil’s nectar and I’d sooner drink moonshine laced with roofies!

From Eugene Mirman’s book The Will to Whatevs - Nine Steps to Being Comfortable at a Party

1.  Have a drink.

2.  Everyone knows the old trick of imagining everyone in their underwear.  But did you know that if you imagine them crying also, you really will feel better?

3.  Go to the bedroom, get in the shower, and tell yourself you’re the best!

4.  Think of all the things that make you special.  (If you can’t come up with more than three, you should leave the party right away).

5.  Face Your Fear, Version 1:  Give everyone a flower and say, “This is the beginning of our friendship.”

6.  Face Your Fear, Version 2:  If you have a pocket knife, stop the music and yell, “Who wants to be my blood brother?”  Then laugh and go, “Only kidding.  Conversation about religion in the corner in five minutes.”

7.  See a therapist or go on medication.

8.  Take a secret poop in a public place and keep it to yourself.

9.  Make a point to say your own name five times to each person you meet.