How I felt this weekend at my niece’s first birthday party.  I will always be cast in the roll of sassy black, fat best friend.  “50 piece chicken mcnuggets? Don’t mind if I do!  Now lets talk about why your relationship isn’t working while I drink from this tub of ranch dressing nom nom nom!”

I had like a crisis moment, I was in London last summer, and I bullshitted my way into the Batman Begins premiere. So I get to go to the movie and than I get to go to the after party.  And the after party is the stars of the movie looking gorgeous and cut and awesome and than miles of delicious food that they’re not eating because that’s how they stay gorgeous and cut. And than there’s me who’s like “Who let the bridge troll in here? How the fuck did-  Did someone not answer his three questions and he escaped?”

“I’ve got a key in my pocket!”

So I’m just feeling like shit, looking around and I’m like I wouldn’t mind being in movies.  I was like, ya know what, I’m going to lose some God damn weight because people in movies are thin! So I’m not going to eat any of this food tonight!  I’m going to exert some will power man! Hal Jordan! Let’s do it!

So I’m walking around, not eating anything, and miserable… the way movie stars are.  Miserable and thin.  So than, I run into, of all people, Brian Dennehy!  Fucking Brian Dennehy is just hanging out and I go up to him and I’m like “Look man I am a huge fan and I love you dude!”  He has no reason to talk to me, he doesn’t know who I am, but he’s really nice and talks to me for ten minutes!  He’s the nicest guy! And than he goes “OK well good luck with the career slugger and have fun at the party!” and I go “Thanks Brian Dennehey!” and than I walk away. 

And now it’s ten minutes later… so I made a vow ten minutes ago, but my will power is nothing so now I’m like “Fuck it I’m going to eat!” So than I just have my head down and I’m shoveling food into my mouth just BAAAAAH.  Not even looking at what I’m eating.  I’m feeling… like so bad.  Than Brian Dennehy comes up behind me like an Ark Angel, puts his hand on my shoulder and goes “Character actors! Who gives a fuck if we’re fat!” and than just starts grabbing burgers… yeah!

They always need a fat best friend.  That’s never going to go out of style.

“Sprinkle some fries on those cupcakes!”

- Patton Oswalt Werewolves and Lollipops

Any excuse to bring up Patton Oswalt, who I have a huge crush on, and Brian Fucking Dennehy who I also have a huge crush on.