Although I wish to never be never stalked by a serial killer I hope that if one day I am I have something witty to say during our final show down.  You know that intense part in the movie about five minutes away from the closing credits when the main character survives near death and slays the crazy madman?  Saying something funny and insightful during that moment is what’s most important to me.  I don’t know why, but I’ve come up with a list of things I would say if that ever happened to me.  Like a Girl Scout, I’m always prepared.

“Who’s the bitch now, bitch?” - Useful in almost any situation.

“Boom goes the dynamite!” - said while doing this Useful in almost any situation.

“That’s what she said!” -  I would only say this if/when I was preparing to shot/stab/sling shot the serial killer to death he would menacingly say to me, “You don’t have the balls to do it!”

“Let’s get this party started!” - Useful in almost any situation.

“This is for my wife. Fuck you and die!” - Useful in almost any situation.  (Stolen directly, word for word from the Steven Seagal classic Hard to Kill)

“Yeah, well… you’re gonna get stopped tonight!” - I would use this if/when the killer said to me, “I’m an unstoppable son of a bitch!” (Stolen, almost word for word from the Steven Seagal classic Hard to Kill)

“You’re not so Hard to Kill are you?!” - I would only use this if/when Steven Seagal was trying to murder me.

“It’s the end of the world (slight pause) as we know it.” - I would only use this if/when Michael Stipe from REM decides to kill me.

“I always faked my orgasms with you!” - Useful in almost any situation.

“You want fries with that?”  - This one’s a little more tricky, but I would use it if I started working at my local McDonald’s and a serial killer dressed as Ronald McDonald became obsessed with me and my large Big Mac filled stomach.

Yes, I believe this was a proper waste of my time.