Chasing Sharks: Faster Than the Speed of Awesome

I write important things about stuff
(Not really, this blog is mostly dick jokes)

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Reason #45 I Need A Hearing Aid.

The cafeteria at my work gets really loud during lunch time.  Couple that with my terrible hearing from years of ipod buds abuse and my love of jackhammering and I’m like Marlee Matlin wandering around in there.  In spite of all this, I tried to strike up a friendly conversation with a coworker today.

Me:  Hey how was your weekend?

Her:   (Complete and utter gibberish.  Almost sounds like an owl screeching)

Me:  I’m sorry what?

Her:  (Repeats the nonsense.  I literally have no idea what she’s saying so instead I imagine myself ballroom dancing with Steven Segal.)

Me:  (I refuse to ask her to repeat herself again for fear she will to resort to telling me in sign, so instead I smile and nod my head happily) Ooh that sounds like fun!

She gives me a weird look, but I barely notice because I’m next in line to order and all I can think of is “Food! Feed me!”

Me: (Shouting) Turkey burger please!

By the time I turn around she’s on the other side of the cafeteria.

Other Coworker:  (Whispers) Stephanie, did you hear what she said about her weekend?

Me:  Something about outlet mall shopping or babysitting her grandchildren right?

Other Coworker: (Laughing quietly) No!  She just told you her dog died…

I frantically tried to get the other woman’s attention.  I almost resorted to throwing my turkey burger at her, but she couldn’t hear me.  But how do you say, “I’m really sorry about your dog!  I’m sorry I didn’t express those feelings earlier!  I’m not a sociopath really!” without coming across like a complete and total sociopath?  As she walked out of the cafeteria I wanted to catch her eye and mouth “I’m sorry!” But I’m pretty sure she can’t read lips and she would just think I was saying “I want to murder you!”

Filed under Awkward True story bro

  1. stephjar posted this