Chasing Sharks: Faster Than the Speed of Awesome

I write important things about stuff
(Not really, this blog is mostly dick jokes)

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Flu shots shots shots

Today at work I got my flu shot because I will take any and all preventative measures to keep from getting sick.  To my nurse’s complete and absolute shock when he went to stop the bleeding coming out of the tiny prick where the needle went in, my blood had already coagulated. 

Cute Male Nurse: Wow your blood coagulates really fast!

Me: (Tries to smile sexily but I just end up looking like I have downs syndrome)

Cute Male Nurse:  Like that was crazy fast!  I’m impressed!

Me:  (More goofy smiling) Why thank you! (Pause) I eat a lot of bran. 

I was simply giddy after he said this to me. It was like I had discovered my super hero power of fast blood coagulation and this ability would give boys erections everywhere.   I don’t know why I respond this way when people compliment me on things I have no control over.  

It reminds me of another time when I lived in New York City.   I was riding the subway home drunk at two in the morning on a basically deserted car:

Guy Sitting Across From Me: (After looking at me creepily for five minutes) You know….. you have really nicely shaped nostrils.

Me: (You would think I had just won a fucking Oscar in the way I excitedly responded) Oh my God, really?!  I don’t know what to say!  I guess I should thank my mom for not engaging in drugs or alcohol while pregnant with me and my dad for providing strong, healthy sperm.  Without them I don’t think my nostrils would have turned out the way they are today.

Guy: (Licks lips) They’re just really beautiful.

Me:  Wow, that is just so sweet of you to say!  Do you have a pit or murder dungeon somewhere you would like to hold me captive in? Because I am so turned on right now I might even go with you willingly.

Filed under Awkward

  1. feelthemonster said: I’m trying to work out a good “fast blood coagulation” and “giving boys everywhere erections” joke, but I just woke up. It’s in there somewhere though!
  2. dorothypzbornak said: haaaa bran!
  3. stephjar posted this