My first “grown up” party was in my second year of college. This wouldn’t be the typical college party with kegs, vomit and frat guys so I wasn’t sure what to expect. Up until this point my main focus at all parties was mainly drinking and occasionally flirting with strangers by ruthlessly making fun of them.
Since I’m an awkward shell of a person I wanted to make a real impression at this party. “What’s your major?” I wanted to ask a mustachioed stranger with gusto. “Have you ever read Kafka’s The Metamorphosis? I haven’t! Up until last year I thought Kafka was a furniture line at Ikea!” I would say and laugh with mock self deprecation while conversating with a thin lipped girl who wore a monocle.
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1. People Who Wear Jeans To Workout at the Gym.
I’m looking at you 30 year old guy who goes to my gym and thinks he’s Jean Claude Van Damme. Why anybody would want to wear such a restricting piece of clothing while doing lunges and squat thrusts is beyond me. I can’t even do a jumping jack in jeans without feeling like the denim is raping my calves. He always gets on the treadmill right next to mine, runs at a sprint for 3 minutes and promptly gets off and practices round house kicks. My boobs and facial expression are exactly like this when I glance over at him:
My facial expression is like hers because I’m a sassy, black woman and my boobs always bounce like that on the treadmill when I’m not wearing a proper sports bra. I just don’t understand why this guy wears jeans to the gym, especially on the treadmill. I imagine the only people who exercise in jeans are carjackers and Miley Cyrus backup dancers.
2. Women Who Refuse to Wear Their Hair Up While Working Out
You are an enigma to me. I can barely make it through an entire day without getting frustrated with my hair and pulling it up in a ponytail. If it didn’t make me look like a matrionaly lesbian entering the final stages of menapause, I would probably cut my hair as short as possible. But unfortunately I can’t pull off the Jamie Lee Curtis Activia! commercials look, it just doesn’t work for me. So how a woman can run 2.5 miles on a treadmill with her hair plastered to her sweaty forehead is beyond me. You want to look like Bo Derek in 10, but you look like Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Which ends up making me feel like Sebastian, crabby (get it? because he’s an actual crab aka crustation! The laughs never fucking
I’ve got nothing to say today so instead of attempting to be creative I thought I’d just post a picture of my dog.
I know I’ve talked about this before, but doesn’t he just look like a total murder? I’m convinced if he were human my dog would be a serial killer. He’d be like Jeffrey Dahmer with the charm and whimsy of Ed Gein in canine form.
Every day I get home from work he looks at me with this face and I’m like “What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO?! Is there a body in the basement I need to dispose of??” After some desperate searching of the house I discover that in actuality he ate all the cat food, which if possible, makes me even more angry than finding a dead body in the basement. Cat food doesn’t grow on trees! If it did I’d sleep every night on a bed made of money and use hundred dollar bills as a comforter. I scold him about this every day, but he just doesn’t care.
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I’m cleaning out my desk at work today because I’m moving to a new location and I realized the only things I’m really bringing with me, besides work stuff like paperclips and files (booooring), are my I Love Jesus mug and my jar of eyeballs.
I’ve had this jar of eyeballs on my desk since like two Halloweens ago. When the holiday was over I thought to myself “I should probably put that away until next year!” But by than it had already grown too close to my heart so I decided it would be out year round. I work in a hospital so in my mind it made complete sense.
It’s always been a good conversation starter like “Look at how lazy I am!” or “Look at how weird I am!” or “Let’s talk about murder!” Which is fine because I love talking about murder. Forensic Files is probably my favorite show of all time. But without fail somebody will always come into my office and ask with complete sincerity (and slight awe), “Omg are those real eyes? Whose eyeballs are those?!” My only response to that is to give them an angry side eye (get it? eye!) while I lick my lips menacingly. Actually I usually laugh and swivel around in my chair like Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget.
I mean do I really look like the kind of person who keeps real eyeballs in a jar on her desk? Is that the vibe I’m putting out? Because if so I should probably update my eHarmony profile to include this helpful information.
"I like long walks on the beach… and MURDER!"
A new show is premiering tonight on CBS called Mad Love. Here is the description from CBS.com: “Four friends, single in New York City. Two are falling in love, and two despise each other… at least for now.” …..xhljadlfkablech Sorry I just fell asleep on my keyboard! This show sounds so edgy and different and totally isn’t a waste to this extremely talented cast! So without ever having seen this show I thought I would review the entire series for you.
Hey there’s Sarah Chalke being funny and awesome! I really like her and I’m glad she’s working! Oh cool her best friend is Judy Greer! Even better! I could watch these two funny bitches at a funeral! They’re that entertaining! I’m getting Lucy and Ethel vibes from them! I’m really excited I’m watching this home alone on Valentine’s Day! Uh oh… there’s that guy from American Pie! Remember when he was in those terribly awesome movies Loser and Boys and Girls? God those movies sucked! I thought he died? Is he dead? I wish he was dead! OK he’s not that bad! He’s super boring but that’s OK! He has a best friend too! That’s sooo funny! He looks like he ate Zach Galifianakis! He’s fat and has a beard! He’s going to be hysterical! Sarah and American Pie fall in love AT FIRST SITE!! Chemistry! Animal attaction! Lobotomies! ahahhaha! I bet he’s straight laced and boring and she’s funny and awesome! Of course they fall for each other! It makes complete sense! Show is over! Whens the wedding? But uh oh! Conflict! Best friends hate each other! Look at that angry side eye they’re giving each other! I feel like it’s almost wrought with sexual tension! I’m sure that hate will turn into love in a few
seasons episodes! They’ll have sex and be all… omg I can’t believe we did that I hate you but your beard is so fucking sexy I can’t resist it! They will try and deny their love but in the end they will get together even though Judy Greer is way too awesome and attractive for Zach Galifianakis’s brother! But I’ll ultimately care way more about their relationship than I ever would Sarah Chalke and American Pie’s! But right now they hate each other and even more they hate their friend’s happiness! I mean look at that side eye! They hate each other! So Sarah Chalke is upset! I’m upset! American Pie is sad! I’m bored! I’m sure they’ll break up a million times over misunderstandings seen many times in Three’s Company! You’re gay American Pie? NO I’m not why would you think that Sarah Chalke? Judy Greer said she caught you kissing the male bartender! Oh no! I was PISSING on that male bartender! Oh! ahahahahah Some more angry side eye from Judy Greer! Sarah Chalke rolls her eyes! Zach Galifianakis’s brother trips over an ottoman! COMEDY! In the end they’ll get married! But not after lots of mishaps ensue involving a monkey, a surly landlord and a hot country bumbkin of a cousin! Oh also Sarah Chalke is accused of sleeping with the best man!
Maybe I’m wrong and it’ll be really good?
When I was in elementary school it was required that all students had to give Valentine’s to everybody. You couldn’t pick and choose and give them only to your friends and crushes. In order to make sure everybody felt loved and accepted everybody got one. So even though he was required to by threat of punishment, when the most popular boy in my class Will, my crush and the guy who my loins burned for, gave me a Valentine I was ESCATIC. It was like Justin Bieber dedicated one of his books to me. That’s how special I felt.
With tentative fingers I gently opened the envelope. I was already mentally preparing to scrapbook it and/or construct an eleborate shadow box out of it. To jazz things up I would even press a vibrant red rose in there and lie to our future children about how he had given it to me while professing his love and holding a boombox that played The Cure’s “Friday I’m in Love” on repeat.
My heart beat quickly and my mouth dried up in young lust as I pulled the card from its sleeve. I licked my lips in sultry anticipation and read: in white bold print it said “Be My Valentine!” Except he had crossed that part out and instead wrote in all capital letters “You’re ugly.” He didn’t even put an exclamation point. It was just like you’re ugly. Period. Case closed. Those are the facts baby.
Next year I thought about giving him a Valentine with two penguins holding hands that said “Eat shit and die.” But I was too mature for that and also I had grown boobs by than and they took up a lot of my time.