January 2011
9 posts
3 tags
How I felt this weekend at my niece’s first birthday party. I will always be cast in the roll of sassy black, fat best friend. “50 piece chicken mcnuggets? Don’t mind if I do! Now lets talk about why your relationship isn’t working while I drink from this tub of ranch dressing nom nom nom!”
I had like a crisis moment, I was in London last summer, and I bullshitted...
2 tags
The past two days I’ve been violently ill. I don’t know where this devil virus came from, but I haven’t felt so miserable and uncomfortable since George and Izzie dated on Grey’s Anatomy. Since I have no shame I thought I’d give you a complete rundown of everything that happened to me from the point this all started through the last 48 hours.
- Eat dinner
...
3 tags
I don’t want to alarm any of you, but I’m going camping this weekend. So if you never hear from me again it’s because I’m fucking dead. As always, if I should expire please tell me parents I would like the below picture printed in my obituary instead of one of my old senior portraits or a picture of me doing the robot when I was 12 years old.
5 tags
Dawson's Weep.
Every time I leave my house, whether it be for stalking James Van Der Beek or attending a twenty four hour Shia Labeouf film festival, I’m convinced when I come home I will find it burned to the ground. I don’t know where this mentality comes from, but I always think a wire will short circuit somewhere, or my pets secret Fourth of July celebration will go awry or that I left my dream...
2 tags
I was cleaning my room out yesterday when I stumbled upon my old art portfolio from freshman year of college. For a semester I really felt I could be the next Andy Warhol (except much sexier and with more manageable hair) until one day I realized I was terrible.
This stuff… is horrifying. My portfolio lurks in dark alleys and hides underneath children’s beds. Below is an example,...
2 tags
I just thought you’d all like to meet my new best friend Pinnacle Whipped Cream Vodka. This weekend we’re going on a picnic and than taking a long walk on the beach and than soon after I’m checking into the Betty Ford Clinic.
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Am I the only one who is sick of wishing people a Happy New Year already? It’s like that shit happened last week! In the words of my idol and mentor Fergie, it’s so two thousand and late and I’m so three thousand and eight and I’m not talking about my blood cholesterol level. I’m talking about the fucking future. Boom. Boom. Pow.
I want to move on in the calendar...
2 tags
I’ve decided I’m going to start blogging more. So heres a picture of me dressed as Velma for Halloween! Sorry if you were thinking I might be attractive.
Also here’s a picture of me dressed as Velma and hanging out with my good friend Steven Seagal. You can’t tell but we’re holding hands.
4 tags
Cat On A Hot Tin Poof.
I’ve always had a strong love and natural affinity for animals. If it didn’t make me sound like a complete serial killer I’d even venture to say that I like animals better than most humans. But since I don’t want to come across as a murderer I’ll just say I enjoy the company of animals (in a nonsexual way I can’t express that enough) and I don’t have a...