February 2012
1 post
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Lady and the Tramp
One of my earliest memories is of doing the big grown up thing of going to the movie theater for the first time. The entire event has had such a profound impact on my past that I’ve unsuccessfully tried to repress the memory of it from my existence. If I had a therapist I would tell him, “That shit scarred me for life bro”, and pound my chest mournfully, but since I don’t...
October 2011
1 post
I haven’t written here in forever. To be honest, I miss it. So for those of you who still read this (Hi mom! Just kidding! If she knew about this blog my stomach would implode with a fever of anxiety not seen since the time I was almost 100% positive I had accidentally given my one and half year old niece a glass of pure vodka instead of water! It’s OK guys, it was actually water! ...
July 2011
1 post
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It saddens me that I’ve not written in this blog in ages. I rest the reason for that squarely on the shoulders of my extreme laziness, the beautiful weather, the fact that nobody reads this blog and me being a problem drinker. So today, instead of me writing, I have a guest blogger in da house (how cool am I? I feel like a backup dancer in Kid n’ Play’s classic movie House...
June 2011
1 post
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I was going through some old photo albums when I stumbled across this one from my desperate, elderly cougar Match.com profile phase sixth grade school portrait. I literally had to squeeze my thighs together in an effort to keep pee from erupting from my vag. I had completely forgotten about this photo and my vagina was struck with so much laughter, fear, disgust, remorse and humility that its...
May 2011
4 posts
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Whenever I go out to lunch/dinner/snacks/drinks/aquariums/square dances with a person that I’ve just met I’m always 99% certain there is a booger or foreign object hanging from my nose. I start to do that thing where I rub my nose nonchalantly in an effort to have whatever is hanging from it fling discreetly onto my lap where it will perish along with my self respect. The person...
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I made a rapture joke at work today:
“I wonder if Kirk Cameron is angry he got Left Behind! Haaaaaaaaaaaa….. get it?”
Get it?! The hot older brother from Growing Pains of DJ from Full House grew up into a crazy extremely devout Christian and made a series of movies about the rapture and apocalypse titled Left Behind! They made three movies about this and I think the first won...
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I have this giant bruise on my thigh and I have no idea where it came from. You know how certain inanimate objects can look angry? Like that fire is angry! Or the sea was angry that day my friends! Or that killer robot looks angry! Well this bruise looks angry. I guess you can’t say my bruise is necessarily an inanimate object since I have blood pumping through my body and I can’t be...
1 tag
This weekend after I was driving home from a night of mingling and overeating helping African refugees fill out their visa forms, I hit an innocent deer who presumably was on her way to read to some blind orphans. I tried to swerve, but this thing must have been part ninja, part statue because it came out of nowhere and promtly turned into a wax figure. Have you ever hit a deer before? ...
April 2011
5 posts
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I angry blogged this last night and than quietly slipped into a peaceful hibernation full of dreams about Prince William and Kate Middleton watching the Lion King together before I could post it. It was probably God’s kind way of saying, “You sound like an asshole and should delete this immediately.”
Well, guy who wears jeans to the gym and has vigorous workouts is still...
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I don’t know why people even try to have “lunch meetings”. I’m putting that phrase in air quotes because it shouldn’t even be a thing! You can talk business at lunch, but let’s be honest I’m not really listening. Seriously, the moment we sit down pull into the parking lot I’m like:
Food, food, food! Oh yes, the economy! And money! And grown up...
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This past weekend I had to take my dog Max to the groomer for his annual bath and shave. Taking Max to the groomers is always a fun experience, and by “fun” I mean I’d rather my gynecologist have hooks for hands than ever have to take Max anywhere. I know I’ve spoken about Max before here on my blog, but I can’t stress this enough: he is weird as hell. Don’t get me wrong, I love Max with all my...
4 tags
I don’t want this blog to be the place I come to when I need to bitch about life and things that annoy me. Because in reality, that’s the main reason I keep my various multiple personalities around. They understand me more than anybody else, and also smell fantastic. In all honesty, it’s a major pet peeve of mine when people bitch about their lives too much. It’s like,...
5 tags
You live and you learn and than make the same...
My first “grown up” party was in my second year of college. This wouldn’t be the typical college party with kegs, vomit and frat guys so I wasn’t sure what to expect. Up until this point my main focus at all parties was mainly drinking and occasionally flirting with strangers by ruthlessly making fun of them.
Since I’m an awkward shell of a person I wanted to make...
March 2011
1 post
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Things That Annoy Me That Probably Shouldn't
1. People Who Wear Jeans To Workout at the Gym.
I’m looking at you 30 year old guy who goes to my gym and thinks he’s Jean Claude Van Damme. Why anybody would want to wear such a restricting piece of clothing while doing lunges and squat thrusts is beyond me. I can’t even do a jumping jack in jeans without feeling like the denim is raping my calves. He always gets on the...
February 2011
6 posts
3 tags
I’ve got nothing to say today so instead of attempting to be creative I thought I’d just post a picture of my dog.
I know I’ve talked about this before, but doesn’t he just look like a total murder? I’m convinced if he were human my dog would be a serial killer. He’d be like Jeffrey Dahmer with the charm and whimsy of Ed Gein in canine form.
Every day I...
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I’m cleaning out my desk at work today because I’m moving to a new location and I realized the only things I’m really bringing with me, besides work stuff like paperclips and files (booooring), are my I Love Jesus mug and my jar of eyeballs.
I’ve had this jar of eyeballs on my desk since like two Halloweens ago. When the holiday was over I thought to myself “I...
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Mad Love BAD Love
A new show is premiering tonight on CBS called Mad Love. Here is the description from CBS.com: “Four friends, single in New York City. Two are falling in love, and two despise each other… at least for now.” …..xhljadlfkablech Sorry I just fell asleep on my keyboard! This show sounds so edgy and different and totally isn’t a waste to this extremely talented cast! ...
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When I was in elementary school it was required that all students had to give Valentine’s to everybody. You couldn’t pick and choose and give them only to your friends and crushes. In order to make sure everybody felt loved and accepted everybody got one. So even though he was required to by threat of punishment, when the most popular boy in my class Will, my crush and the guy who...
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My mom just loves those Chicken Soup for the (insert basically anything here - unwed teenage mother’s, stripper with a heart of gold’s, sad dyslexic triceratops’s) Soul. She has a whole stack of them besides the toilet in her bathroom. I like to refer to it as her library. It contains many leather bound books that are almost exclusively paperback copies of Chicken Soup for the...
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The CHandler to my Monica.
I wrote a letter to Chelsea Handler a few months ago and that bitch never responded to me. I haven’t been so upset about a celebrity ignoring my advances since I wrote Jason Priestly a fan letter back in elementry school telling him I’d like him to be the father of my future children and he never mailed me a vial of his sperm wrote back! I would have given you my Peach Pit Jason!...
January 2011
9 posts
3 tags
How I felt this weekend at my niece’s first birthday party. I will always be cast in the roll of sassy black, fat best friend. “50 piece chicken mcnuggets? Don’t mind if I do! Now lets talk about why your relationship isn’t working while I drink from this tub of ranch dressing nom nom nom!”
I had like a crisis moment, I was in London last summer, and I bullshitted...
2 tags
The past two days I’ve been violently ill. I don’t know where this devil virus came from, but I haven’t felt so miserable and uncomfortable since George and Izzie dated on Grey’s Anatomy. Since I have no shame I thought I’d give you a complete rundown of everything that happened to me from the point this all started through the last 48 hours.
- Eat dinner
...
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I don’t want to alarm any of you, but I’m going camping this weekend. So if you never hear from me again it’s because I’m fucking dead. As always, if I should expire please tell me parents I would like the below picture printed in my obituary instead of one of my old senior portraits or a picture of me doing the robot when I was 12 years old.
5 tags
Dawson's Weep.
Every time I leave my house, whether it be for stalking James Van Der Beek or attending a twenty four hour Shia Labeouf film festival, I’m convinced when I come home I will find it burned to the ground. I don’t know where this mentality comes from, but I always think a wire will short circuit somewhere, or my pets secret Fourth of July celebration will go awry or that I left my dream...
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I was cleaning my room out yesterday when I stumbled upon my old art portfolio from freshman year of college. For a semester I really felt I could be the next Andy Warhol (except much sexier and with more manageable hair) until one day I realized I was terrible.
This stuff… is horrifying. My portfolio lurks in dark alleys and hides underneath children’s beds. Below is an example,...
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I just thought you’d all like to meet my new best friend Pinnacle Whipped Cream Vodka. This weekend we’re going on a picnic and than taking a long walk on the beach and than soon after I’m checking into the Betty Ford Clinic.
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Am I the only one who is sick of wishing people a Happy New Year already? It’s like that shit happened last week! In the words of my idol and mentor Fergie, it’s so two thousand and late and I’m so three thousand and eight and I’m not talking about my blood cholesterol level. I’m talking about the fucking future. Boom. Boom. Pow.
I want to move on in the calendar...
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I’ve decided I’m going to start blogging more. So heres a picture of me dressed as Velma for Halloween! Sorry if you were thinking I might be attractive.
Also here’s a picture of me dressed as Velma and hanging out with my good friend Steven Seagal. You can’t tell but we’re holding hands.
4 tags
Cat On A Hot Tin Poof.
I’ve always had a strong love and natural affinity for animals. If it didn’t make me sound like a complete serial killer I’d even venture to say that I like animals better than most humans. But since I don’t want to come across as a murderer I’ll just say I enjoy the company of animals (in a nonsexual way I can’t express that enough) and I don’t have a...
December 2010
6 posts
1 tag
Terrible Life Decision Tuesday
Just ate a popcorn ball like this that was covered in what must have been magical unicorn blood chocolate and cancer curing peanut butter. I tried to resist it’s temptation but when I saw it my tongue literally flopped out of my mouth like I was a cartoon sailor and a hot blond just walked by. I think I even heard the ghost of Patrick Swayze singing “She’s Like the...
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I wish there was a website called hereiswhatallyourfriendsandfamilywouldlikeforchristmas.com because I am running out of ideas and I think everybody might end up getting shake weights this year.
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Dad: Tonight’s Larry King’s last show!
Me: Cool.
Dad: Yeah I guess Pierce Bronson is taking over for him.
Me: Ehh… I don’t think so dad.
Dad: Yeah! James Bond is going to be the new Larry King!
Me: I think you’re thinking of Piers Morgan.
Dad: Who’s that?
Me: Some British guy.
Dad: Oh, he’s that mean judge on American Idol with Paula...
2 tags
I was working on writing my Christmas cards, but I got sidetracked and instead started drinking the gateway drug of spikedd eggnog which led to me drinking boxed wine which led mee to watching the first season of Doug on dvd.
so now that I’ve completed my life goals for the evening its time for me to end the day with my favorite activity… drunk question bombing tumblr ask boxes. i...
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Although I wish to never be never stalked by a serial killer I hope that if one day I am I have something witty to say during our final show down. You know that intense part in the movie about five minutes away from the closing credits when the main character survives near death and slays the crazy madman? Saying something funny and insightful during that moment is what’s most important to...
3 tags
I can’t believe we’re still giving clothing as a gift. ’Cause whenever you get clothing as a present, you always open it up and you think, not even close. And the person that gives it is always like, “You can take it back!” That’s all right, I’ll just throw it out. Don’t give me an errand.
Jim Gaffigan Beyond the Pale
This is exactly how I...
November 2010
8 posts
5 tags
Bristol Palin Teen Activist
The fact that this TEEN ACTIVIST made ten times what I make in a year for being uncharming and dancing terribly on a TV show fills me with blind rage. Seriously, who is paying her $35,000 for speaking gigs? I really want to go to one of these things and hear everything she has to say about being a TEEN ACTIVIST. What does that even mean? Did she just make the term up? It is trademarked by the...
3 tags
Just woke up from a nap with a half eaten piece of cheesecake in my bed….. I immediately decided to eat it.
Thanksgiving 2010 has fucking ruined me.
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I wish people could just tell other people when they have food on their face without feeling awkward or uncomfortable about it. If you tell me YES it’s going to be embarrassing, YES my cheeks are going to turn a bright red, YES I will have to suppress the urge to vomit, but I’m not going to freak out about it.
You don’t even have to say anything. You can make the international...
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The Summer of Sticky Buns Part 1
The year I was thirteen started off a good one. My body and mind were changing from that of a fat, clumsy girl into that of a fat, soon to be loving vodka woman. At first this process horrified and disturbed me, but I was slowing accepting that my breasts were going to be a constant part of my life and I was OK with that. I had developed a friendly relationship with them and was ready to...
3 tags
sometimes I get drunk and leave random questions in the people I follow on Tumblr’s ask boxes……
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Between a Rock and a Lard Place.
When I was ten years old I was best friends with my neighbor Walter. I was madly, unconditionally and pathetically in love with him. I had vivid dreams of us getting married and having potato sack races with with our adopted Asian babies at family reunions. Unfortunately when it came to me, Walter thought of me strictly as a friend. If that wasn’t bad enough he treated me like I had a...
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I have finally come to the realization that I am a complete and utter loser.
Today I missed my DOG so I reached for my phone to send him a TEXT message to SEE WHAT HE WAS DOING.
And than I got sad when I realized he didn’t have a cell phone, even though he’s been bitching about needing one ever since he turned sixteen.
Than I got sadder when I realized even if he did have a cell...
2 tags
The Science of Sleep.
You ever have a dream about a person that seems so vivid and realistic you wake up the next day feeling resentful and angry at them for no reason?
Last night I had a dream in which a coworker of mine told me they thought the shirt I was wearing was ugly. In real life, while I might be slightly shocked that somebody would flat out tell me this, I know deep down I’d probably agree with them...
October 2010
8 posts
4 tags
Wild Feet Can't Be Broken.
The summer I was ten years old my mom signed me up to take horseback riding lessons. I have no idea why. Maybe it was because my parents wanted me to be considered good at a ”sport”, any sport. Since I have the hand eye coordination skills of Helen Keller I wasn’t good at softball, flag football or even thumb wrestling and they had simply reached their last resort of athletic...
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What about Brett Fav... ruh?
Today, Brett Favre’s wife was on Good Morning America to promote her new book and more importantly to talk about Penis Gate 2010. If you haven’t heard about this fantastic drama that I’ve lapping up like a kitten eating a warm bowl of milk I’ll tell you all about it. Apparently in 2008 Favre sent text message pictures of his penis and left inappropriate voice mails for...
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Reason #45 I Need A Hearing Aid.
The cafeteria at my work gets really loud during lunch time. Couple that with my terrible hearing from years of ipod buds abuse and my love of jackhammering and I’m like Marlee Matlin wandering around in there. In spite of all this, I tried to strike up a friendly conversation with a coworker today.
Me: Hey how was your weekend?
Her: (Complete and utter gibberish. Almost sounds like...
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“It’s hard to be funny and sexy. If you’re too sexy, it’s distracting. Everyday...”
– Ellen Degeneres (via e-pic)
I NEVER want to forget this. This quote fills me with such glee words can’t explain it.
5 tags
Pretty... Whoa Man
This is a story about a ridiculous incident that almost drove me straight into the arms of the closest mental institution. It sounds so crazy, but honest to God it’s the truth. While I was living with Vera in Queens, NY a lot of strange and wonderful things happened.
Vera was a sweet woman who almost made living in Queens bearable. She was like a kindly, old grandmother who always...
4 tags
Stephanie's Ankle is... Hard to Kill.
This is a really long story about the traumatizing effects of hairy legs in childhood. I apologize if it’s boring.
When I was 15 I was required to take the bus to and from school. Most kids that age had 16 year old friends with driver’s licenses who would take them, but since I was a social outcast I had to take the bus. I always felt like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles except...
2 tags
Have you ever been eating a shitty Lean Cuisine chicken carbonara meal for lunch and the chicken is so hot you think about blowing on it, but you’re so fucking hungry you think “Fuck it! My mouth don’t know fear!” so you just shovel it in like a stray dog eating out of a dumpster and it just tastes like hot, liquid fire burning your gums and your tongue is so scorched you...